4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
