Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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