there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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