I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
