Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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