In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
