Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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