So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
