dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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