chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Randomize
