He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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