Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
