I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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