I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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