Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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