I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
