Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
