Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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