you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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