either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
