I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
