i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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