The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
