I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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