Welp...herpes.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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