a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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