Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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