3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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