i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
