I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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