You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
