How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
