Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
