just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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