i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
