Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
