She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
