oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
