I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
