woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
