She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
