You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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