just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
