Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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