The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
