Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I AM VODKA MAN
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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