For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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