I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
