when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
