And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
