Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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