i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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