I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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