Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
