take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
